He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Houston, we have a blender
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
