A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
