remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
