There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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