Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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