His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
