I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
