he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
