new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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