I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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