i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
