i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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