I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
