Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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