i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
