once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
organizing the empties. That sober.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.