Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
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Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
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Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.