So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
