I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
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ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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