I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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