Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
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Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
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