I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
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The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
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hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.