sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.