i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize