halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
