I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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