Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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