I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
