I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
