also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
