Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
