i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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