Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
you had me at cake vodka
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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