oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
do herpes really smell.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
