I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
And then my night got REAL pukey
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
