I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
