My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
