i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
