she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
