I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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