If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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