Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
