I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
