i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
