So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
