Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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