so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
