If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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