Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
