I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Is Oprah even human
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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