there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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