On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
