Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
