Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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