i just sent this text using only my big toe
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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