We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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