Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
oh god the rape fog is back!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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