i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
