She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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