Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
