Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
