I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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