i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
